Catching Up

Caitlyn's birthday was wonderful. We had a little surprise party with immediate family here at the house for her. She was absolutely thrilled with it. She had some balloons and cake and got a few presents.


Then there was the big party at Caesarland. She had a couple of her friends from school there and pretty much everyone in her family. She got loads and loads of really great stuff. She even got the Lightening McQueen car from the movie Cars. But most importantly she got her Cabbage Patch Doll with brown hair and blue eyes like she wanted.



About a week or so after the birthday, we went to Wisconsin for a few days. Caitlyn was like a fish in the water, even going under on her own a few times. She absolutely loved being up there with the family!





All in all a very busy few weeks for all of us. But we are enjoying the good weather and doing lots of fun things. More to come on the soccer front very soon!

Happy Birthday to my Miracle

Happy Birthday my sweet girl!

For the last 5 years you have made mommy and daddy more proud of you than you can ever imagine. We love you so very much!

Good Appointment

After 5 calls from the doctor on MOnday and Tuesday morning, we made it to the doctor. And it was a fantastic appointment.

Caitlyn now weighs 36 pounds (up 3 pounds from last year) and is just over 44 inches tall (up pver 4 inches from last year). He is certain that she is going to be a tall tall girl ;) Her body mass index is 13. Which technically would put her as being underweight. He said that he would in no way classify her as underweight though. Tall and skinny, yes. Underweight, no. She is now in the 75th percentile (wow) for height and the 50th percentile (even more wow) for weight.

We got the go ahead that we no longer need to go to the eye specialist. He doesn't foresee anything more happening with her retinas as far as deterioration goes. They have recovered from the ROP and there would be no regression at this point. So if we feel the need to, we can just see a regular optometrist on a yearly basis. Or we could let the school do their screenings and if something comes up then we could contact the doctor for a referral to a specialist. So I am content with that for now.

Basically she got a clean bill of health and he is overly pleased with her growth and her progress. My little girlie has amazed them all once again ;)

I knew I would jinx myself

When I posted last night (early this morning) about Caitlyn not having been to the doctor in about 6 months, I thought twice about it. I knew the minute that I hit the submit button the kid was going to be sick. Sure enough, she woke up with a stuffy nose this morning :( I don't want her to be sick for her birthday party which is in one week from today. Hopefully this is a very short lived cold and it will pass in no time at all.

...she may get out of those shots at the doctor after all.

It's Official

I am the parent of a kindergarten child! I can't believe that. I'm not exactly sure where I was or what I was doing, but this child grew up without me really realizing it. I mean I knew she was getting bigger cause I was buying the larger size clothes and shoes. But Kindergarten???

She finished school last Wednesday and came home with a school supply list for next year and her report card. The list is funny. I think the part I giggled most about was the fact that they want a box of 24 crayons. Normal enough. But then it says to label EACH crayon with the child's name. That's going to be loads of fun for me. Anyone know where I can buy crayons that are labelled with the kid's name already on them? Cause I will stock up on those bad boys if they do in fact exist.

Now the report card. You may remember me mentioning that Caitlyn got marked down on her last report card because she couldn't dial 911. And I got that phone that called the police...and the pizza guy (poor poor pizza guy). And she can now call 911. However she appearently wouldn't do it fo rhte teacher, so it says that she hasn't mastered it. Maybe I will call the teachers voicemail and let Cate demonstrate her knowledge of dialing 911 as well as the pizza guy. That would most certainly prompt a call to children's services LOL. But overall her report card was wonderful. Still lagging in the gross and fine motor areas. Like I said before though, I am not to concerned with that as long as she is doing okay as far as her cognitive stuff goes. And she is doing great with that.

I finished work on Friday and am now done until August :) Which I couldn't be happier about. I already have my week off planned out. And of course very little of it actually revolves around me. Caitlyn has her 5 year check up and school physical on Tuesday. She is already trying to tell me that she is going to talk to the doctor about not getting any shots. To quote her, "Sometimes doctors say yes to kids right Mommy?" You keep telling yourself that and see how far you get :P I am also finishing up her birthday party stuff. This year, there is no theme? She had Bratz invites and has a plain white cake with a crown and wand on it. So pretty simple which is nice. It is going to be at Caesarland (which is the generic Chuck E Cheese). And she can't wait for it!

I am working on the list of things for Cate's NICU stay....but it is getting very long. So I am not sure that I am going to post all of it. But I have already printed out the list from the other day and put it in her baby book for her. I am also trying to convince Matt to do a list as well as his perspective on it is so different from mine. I think it will be such a wonderful thing for her to have when she is older. Mainly cause it is so very personal.

Okay, off to bed. Too late for me to be up. will post an update after the doctor. She hasn't been there in a while (6 months or so) so I am anxious to see how much my girlie weighs!

I will never forget....

With Caitlyn's birthday quickly approaching, it seems I always do some reflecting around this time. With the help of Beth, I have created a little (yeah right) list of things that I will never forget about her birth (nor do I want to forget them). In the next few days I will also do one about her NICU stay. But here is a list of things I will never forget about the day my sweet girlie was born!

The pain in my rib cage that was so horrific that I thought I was dying.

Realizing that something wasn't right and this wasn't just "normal pregnancy stuff."

Realizing that you really hadn't been moving a lot in the last few days despite the fact that prior to this you never stopped moving.

Telling Matt that something was really wrong and I think we needed to go to the hospital.

Thinking that I was over reacting and at least we would be able to get dinner at Hooter's on our way home.

Having at least 10 nurses ask me how far apart the contractions were.

Telling everyone medical professional I encountered that I was CERTAINLY not in labor....I just had some gas issues.

Actually telling Matt in the waiting room that the pain has subsided again and maybe we should just go home.

Having the doctor suspect that my gallbladder would need to come out.

Being completely devastated at the thought of having surgery at 25 weeks of pregnancy. (if I had only known how much better of an alternative this was, I might have actually been praying for that to happen)

An hour after them telling me it was probably my gallbladder, having a doctor come in and tell me that I had some condition that happens only in pregnancy and that I would be delivering my child within 48 hours as that was the only cure for this disease.

Getting no other real explanation for the next 30 minutes, just sitting there with Matt not knowing what in the hell just happened. For God's sake I really only had gas right?????

Telling Matt that he needs to prepare himself for this child to die. Exact words: "I am only 25 weeks pregnant Matt. Babies born that early don't live, so you need to prepare yourself." What I was really doing was saying it out loud so that I could convince myself.

The look on Matt's mother's face when she showed up at the hospital.

My brother crying next to me. Him giving me his necklace with his crucifix and football number to wear so that I would know he was with me and giving me strength.

Having the perinatologist and the neonatologist give me the grim details of having a baby born at 25 weeks.

Those same people asking me if I had any questions and responding no. How in the world was I supposed to come up with questions about any of this when it all seemed so surreal??

Being on magnesium sulfate.

Not knowing where the next 12 hours were going due to all the medications I was on.

The nurse wrapping the arms of the bed in sheets. "It's in case you have a seizure dear, we don't want you to hit your head."

Immediately following her exit of my room my saying to Matt, "Exactly how fucking sick am I?" (Of course we still hadn't gotten a full explanation of what my condition was. Other than it's name and the fact that I had to deliver and a few other details abotu the condition.)

How dark the room had to be to prevent stimulation.

Having the doctors tell Matt that we could make the decision to save me or the baby.

Telling Matt that if the decision came down to him, he was to choose me.

Trying to keep that stupid oxygen mask on my face and how sweaty my face was from it.

Blood draws every 2 hours.

Blood pressure readings every 20 minutes. Eventually moved to every 15 minutes, and by the end, every 10 minutes.

That damn blood pressure machine constantly beeping to alert the nurses station that my blood pressure was soaring higher than the settings they had previously put it at. And how long it seemed to take them to come in and reset the damn machine.

A nurse trying to get more blood out of my collapsed and dried up veins and telling me that she may have to get it from my foot.

The doctor who was convinced you weighed about 2 pounds (could she have been more wrong :P)

Dr. Pepper. I thought I was on too many drugs but that really was her name. Matt can verify it.

Knowing that I would be completely knocked out for your birth and not even be able to see you until I was stable.

Knowing that Matt wouldn't be allowed to be in the operating room when you were born.

Knowing that you would be surrounded by complete strangers and not even be able to hear a familiar voice when you were born.

The final blood draw that indicated you had to be delivered now. Looking at the clock and noting that it was 5:40 in the morning, only about 12 hours after we had originally been checked in. So much for their 48 hours theory.

The craziness in the room as they were prepping me for surgery.

Having a catheter put in.

Matt asking me who he should call to come to the hospital (really...we thought we had 48 hours LOL)

Knowing that my mom was on her way after work even though I specifically told her not to come and I would call her tomorrow.

Telling one of the nurses I need to kiss my husband and her telling me there was no time. Then hearing another nurse sternly tell her "Stop the bed so she can kiss her husband. She is very sick."

My arms being strapped down to the table in the OR. And of course immediately getting an itch on my nose.

How bright everything was in the OR.

How badly I was shaking and crying yet trying to be so very strong. I tried so hard not to cry and shake, it seemed that only made it worse.

The doctor who stood next to me and held my hand and said that she would be holding it throughout the surgery.

Someone telling me to count down from 10.

Sucking in the anesthesia so hard because all I wanted to do was go to sleep and pretend none of this was really happening.

NOT falling asleep as quickly as I should have and hearing the anesthesiologist tell the nurse that she must push down on my airway to keep it open, then him saying it a second and a third time. The whole time praying that the dope would kick in and I would just pass out.

Feeling as though I couldn't breathe and having no way to tell any of them.

Hearing the surgeon say "I can't wait anymore. I have to cut now." (not sure if the anesthesia finally kicked in or if that comment made me pass out :P)

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Only 2 more days of school for the girl. And only 5 more days of school for me. Turns out I am taking the pay cut and the change in positions. After much mulling and thought provoking conversations with my husband, we (I) decided that I need my summers off now more than ever.

I went into teaching not only because I wanted to teach and work with special needs children, but because I wanted those summer vacations and winter and spring breaks. Well, almost 10 years into teaching, it turns out I have only ever had one summer off and a nice long stint last summer. For my mental health, the mental health of my employers, and the mental health of the students and parents I work with, it is imperative that I start taking the summers off.

Now I know that many of you don't get nearly as much vacation as you need. And really why should I be whining when technically I can take about 6 weeks off in the summer right? I always give the same answer...I went to school knowing that I would have the summers off and you could have done the same thing. That's the bitchy answer. The more thought out and personable answer is that ....well I guess there isn't really one. I could say that it's because I work my ass off most of the school year and I deserve it. But I know plenty of you that do as well. So that wouldn't be a fair argument either. It always goes back to that idea of I went to school knowing full well that this was a perk of the career.

Anywho...10 more days until the girl's birthday. Makes me want to scream. How in the hell did she get to be 5?? Where was I when this transpired???

My friend Beth wrote a little something on her website about all the things that she remembers about her boys birth and NICU hiatus. It is very well written. And I am going to completely steal her idea and write one of my own. Not tonight of course as it is nearing 11:30 and I need to get some sleep at some point. But it will be coming. I think it is a good thing to do being I am so far removed from it now it seems. And I want Caitlyn to know what her first months were like....horrific as they were.

I Lost Her!

It has happened to me. I lost my child today for about 3.7 minutes. And it was the longest 3.7 minutes of my entire life. Seems even longer than the entire 106 days she was in the hospital.

Here's the scenario....

We were at the school picnic today and having a ball. They had Jumping Jacks and games and food. All in all it was a really nice set up that they put on. Matt and I were sitting with a couple of other parents on some blankets. Caitlyn was running back and forth to the games with some of her little friends. She was typically gone about 5 or less minutes each time. And everytime, I was able to see where she was at. Except for this one time.

She and Alexis were going to get face painting done and tatoos. Fine by me, I will see you in a few minutes. Just as we had been doing. I turned around to put some stuff back in our backpack or something. When I looked up, I couldn't see her and Alexis anymore. Now, I didn't freak out right away. I figured they were at the table getting painted on. So I told Matt, I was going to go over to the table to see her. I stood up to leave, and Alexis comes running back to the blanket.....WITHOUT Caitlyn. Now, I fucking freak out. I tell Matt to stay at the blanket so when she comes back someone is there. I go off to look for her at the face painting and tatoo table. No Caitlyn. I walk around the carnival once. No Caitlyn. Now, I am about to panic, but I stop and think of what I need to do before I lose control.

I see another little girl's father who knows me and Cate. And I ask him if he has seen her. He said no and immediately said that he would start looking. I also ask him to tell the other parents that I can't find her. Matt said he would start looking inside the school as the doors were open and the kids were allowed to go in and out.

Now is when I am about to lose control. All I can think is that these few hundred kids out on this playground is heaven for some sicko. But I refrain from panicking as I know that I can't do that if I am going to find this child quickly....and because I don't want to look like a complete ass in front of the entire school.

I go to the DJ and tell him that he needs to announce that Caitlyn should go to the swings. He tells me he will when the song is over. Yeah, that's not going to work for me but thanks for playing. So I tell him that she is only 4 years old and I can't find her that he needs to stop the song and do it now. He looked at me like I was crazy, but only for a brief moment. I think the tip off for him had something to do with the fact that my hands were clenched into fists?

So he makes the announcement. I look around for a couple more seconds then realize that I should probably go over to the swings in case she heard the announcement and heads over there.

Lo and behold. I go to the swings and there is my girl. Smiling at me cause she is excited that they said her name on the microphone. I quickly scoop her up and bathe her with kisses. And my heart finally stops pounding and I no longer feel the urge to cry hysterically. Turns out she was in the jungle gym and I couldn't see her in there. And of course, I realized later that it didn't occur to me to actually look in there in the first place.

Then I walk around so that I can let all of the people know that I have located her that were looking for her. I must say though, that the other parents were all over that shit with me and were scouring the playground looking for her. Which really made me feel good when it was over with.

Amazing how long those few minutes felt for me though. And I really hope that I never have to relive those few minutes ever again.

That's all she wrote

I am now officially considering the school year finished. I have run around all morning picking up equipment from 4 different schools. We are completely moved upstairs. Most of my boxes are unpacked. Now all I need to do is take inventory of all the equipment that we have in our library and I will be on summer vacation. Of course, I can't do inventory until I hook the computer up that the inventory software is on....but that is waiting until Monday.

Tomorrow is Caitlyn's school picnic and she is so very thrilled that both her mom and her dad are going with her. I was a little peeved about this whole picnic deal, but I am picking and choosing my battles. Turns out the kids can't attend unless they are accompanied by an adult. Which I can completely understand. However, on the calender, it is officially a school day, not a day off. So technically speaking, I should be allowed to take my child to school and leave her there as is the custom every other morning. But I won't argue. If anything, I am getting to take a day off work to hang out with my girlie and the husband. So it can't be all bad right?

Currently, Caitlyn is counting down the days to summer vacation with me....as well as the days to her birthday. Holy smoke this kid is going to be 5!!!! I am starting to get all weepy when I think about it now. And not for the reasons that I used to get all weepy. I used to think about how tragically her life began and how far she has come. Now I get all weepy because she is getting so big. And it seems like it is happening all so fast all of the sudden. This kid's first 2 years dragged ass. More than likely it was because she was in the infant stage for soooooo long having to catch up with everything. Once 2 hit, this child went into fast forward. And now when I hold her, I think of when she was little enough for her whole body to fit on my torso, or when she was little enough for me to carry around like a sack of potatoes. Not so much anymore.

The other day at my mom's house, she was all snuggly with Matt and giving him all kinds of loving. She couldn't get enough of his kisses and couldn't seem to get close enough to him. He was all smiley, naturally. I told him that he needs to hang on to this as soon enough this kid won't want him coming near her to even kiss her on the cheek.

Ahhh, waffling. Okay, off to find something to complete here at work. Maybe I will hook the computer up after all so that I don't feel as though I am doing nothing. Though that can't be all bad can it??

The Antichrist Part II

So I had the second meeting today that I thought was sure to be a complete nightmare because of The Antichrist, aka the Advocate. So all damn day I willed my child to fall on the playground at school and break an arm so I wouldn't have to go to this damn meeting. No such luck obviously, as this post is not called "Caitlyn Broke her Arm." So I go to the meeting, reluctantly, with the Assistive Tech Coordinator in tow. Because I was NOT going to be slandered by this woman. The whole point of this meeting was that it was called because the mom did not feel as though her son's AT needs were being met. And I figured if the Antichrist got word of that, then she was sure to be all over my ass. So I figured I would bring some back up.

Meeting starts, mom, dad, special ed coordinator, teacher, resource teacher, AT coordinator, and myself sit down. NO ADVOCATE! Turns out, the parents can't afford her anymore as they are paying for their son to get outside tutoring of sorts. Thank God in heaven!!!! And to be perfectly honest, the family is better off without her.

And needless to say, I feel like a jerk for willing my girl to break her arm....even though it didn't pan out that way :P

The First 90+ Degree Weekend of the Year

And a good time was had by all....especially Caitlyn. She couldn't get over to Grandma Linda's house fast enough on Saturday morning to spend the entire day in the pool. And she has the pink shoulders (sdespite loads of sunscreen) to prove it.

Sunday was spent all day in Grandma Rita's pool with dad. Mom got to stay home and enjoy the lonliness of the house. That was until Bobby, Donna, and Magee came over. Turns out their air conditioning was broken and they didn't want to spend the day sweltering in their place. Gee can't understand that?

And today, we all went back to Grandma Linda's to enjoy the pool once again. That was until the rain came in. But it made for a good excuse to get the kid out of there and home for a much needed bath. You would think that will all the pool time I have the cleanest kid around. But it is amazing how gross hair can become from chlorine and sunscreen.

Tomorrow will be the day of hell at work for me. It's like the last big day before the end of the school year hits. I have another IEP meeting with the Antichrist. Can't wait for that shit. After that, it's back to my office to complete the packing for the move that will be taking place on Wednesday. Once that is over, it should be smooth sailing to the 16th. And of course that date depends on my transition there. If not, then it is smooth sailing to the 30th. Either way, I am considering the year completed as of Wednesday.....no questions asked.

Oy!! The Questions!!!

Caitlyn has never really inquired much about certain things in her baby pictures. To her, every baby has wires and tubes sticking out of every hole in their body. It has never been an issue with her really. Until now that is. Suddenly she is very eager to know all about her entrance into this world. She is so intrigued about her start in life. We are constantly looking at pictures now and she ask about every.little.thing.in.each.picture.

It is very difficult to explain away some of the things that have happened to her in her short little life. However, I try to explain them in terms that she can understand (note, the explanations I have below, are really just my summations :P)

It seems like every question that I answer leads to another question for her.

The first question that she had was why she had to have a tube in her throat when she was a baby. She wanted to know if it was hard for her to breathe with it in there. Quite the contrary my love :P So I explained it to her, she needed the tube to help her breathe. And she was satisfied with this....for a while.

Next question, why is there a tube in my nose too mommy? Well, you were a piss poor eater and we had to get food into you somehow since you sucked at drinking a bottle. Satisfied....for about a week.

Then..."Mommy, why do I have scars on my hands and my leg?" Well, there are several explanations for those you see my dear. The hand scars, those are from all the pricks (and I don't mean doctors) that you required. The blood transfusions, the blood draws, the medications that we injected, etc. Now the one on your leg, that's a whole different story. See your skin was paper thin and well a mindless nurse pulled tape off a little to harshly, hence, ripping your skin off.

This leads us up to yesterday in the car when she about broke my heart. On the way to my mom's, "Mommy, why did they have to cut your belly to take me out?" Because mommy was basically dying, ogran after organ shutting down. And basically, it was because of the squirmy little fetus inside of me. She then says, "But it was too early for me to come out of your belly. Why didn't they leave me in longer?" Yes it was early. No they couldn't leave you in there any longer. Crying a little now, she says, "But I wanted to stay in there. Didn't you want me to?" Oh my love, more than you could ever imagine!!

So yesterday evening, she was sitting on the toilet peeing. And I hear her pleading with someone about something. I go to the door. And she is crying, and I mean crying. Saying to hersself,
"Why? I don't want them to cut my belly to take my baby! Please Mommy don't let them cut my belly open!" I am not sure who she was talking to, or why she was even having this conversation with the unknown person. But I do know that this subject is weighing so heavily on my little girl's mind and I can't fucking stand it!

Organized Sports and other things

I signed the girl up today for Pre K soccer. Not that I am a fan of soccer (I actually know pretty much nothing of the sport other than the intent is to kick the ball into the net). She is completely thrilled. And also hesitant and nervous about playing. She is terrinfied about what will happen if she doesn't make a goal. So that is something that I know we are going to have to work through. Practice starts in July and her first game is in mid August. Man oh man is she going to look adorable in that soccer unifrom though....which is my primary concern.

I went to visit some people at a couple of schools I used to work with today. Things seem to be worse than ever in that district which sucks for those employees. But hopefully it will get better for them. On this visit I realized one thing....I am OLD!!!! I say this because the receptionist that works in one of the buildings I met my second year going to this particular school. At the time, her daughter was in 8th grade, possibly 7th, but I am thinking 8th. When I saw her today I asked how her daughter was doing. Lo and behold, she has graduated college, and gotten married. Yeah...I thought maybe she was still in high school. Futile attempt at maintaining my own youth I suppose.

I have discussed a possible pay cut with Matt if I change positions. He is adamant that it can not be a significant one (well duh!). So now I anxiously await Monday to see what happens there.

Symmetry

Caitlyn is talking about symmetry these days. Seems they went over it in school about 2 weeks ago and she is still processing it I guess.

Cate: Mom, did you know our bodies are symmetrical?

Mom: What???

Cate: Our bodies are symmetrical. It means they are the same on both sides if you fold it in half.

Mom: (in complete shock of course) Wow! You are one smart little lady my love :)

In other news....
I am looking into reworking my contract at work. See, I think I am one of the few teachers on the planet that doesn't have the summers off. And I am not including teachers that opt to teach summer school or work summer camps at school or anything like that.

When I took this new position almost 2 years ago, I agreed to an 11 month contract. Cause at the time it really didn't seem so bad. (Don't ask me what the hell I was thinking, I'm not sure.) It still allowed me about 6 weeks off in the summer and time to take off around Christmas and Spring Break. But the downside is that I always have to make sure that I have enough days and worry about that. So there has been a big transition at my job and there are some openings. These openings would allow for me to move into the 10 month position and have the summers and other breaks off without having to worry about saving my vacation time and what not.

Seems like it is a no brainer conclusion right? Wrong. I would have to take a pay cut. Now, I haven't met with my boss to figure out exactly why I would have to take a pay cut when I am doing the same job. I think I am most confused by it because I am a salaried employee as opposed to an hourly employee. So I am not sure how all of that works into less pay for me.

Bottom line I guess is that I have to see how much of a pay cut that it is and go from there. Besides the issue of the pay cut, there are so many other things to take into consideration. Things like the teacher's retirement fund, putting myself back down on the totem pole and allowing myself to be riffed for the next 5 years, etc.

When I began thinking about this and talked to my boss about it a few months ago, the decision really did seem much easier to make! I am meeting with my boss next week to have everything laid out in front of me before I make my decision....let's just hope the pay cut isn't so drastic that I can't afford to make the move.

My Servant

When I was little, I can remember my mother saying to me that I was her slave. That she had children so that she would in fact have slaves. Now, I know she didn't mean this to be true (well mostly). And I have heard other moms refer to their kids as slaves. I think I may have even done it. Turns out, Caitlyn does think she's my slave.

Mom: Cate will you hand mommy her pop from the table?

C: Why can't you get it yourself?

M: Cause I asked you nicely to get it for me and I get things for you when you ask me to.

C: (bringing the can over to me reluctantly) You treat me like a servant!

And of course, the word servant as you and I say it, is not the way the girl says it. If you have ever heard her talk, you would swear that she is from the Bronx. So as the word servant came out of her mouth, I started to laugh hysterically. To which she screamed at me...

"Well you do and I don't like it!"

So now I am just waiting for the opportunity to throw that right back at her the minute she asks me for something ;) (man I need to start being nicer to this kid)

The time seems to have come

Matt is now actively pursuing a referral from our primary care physician to a urologist. That's right. He wants a vasectomy. Now most couples have lengthy discussions on whether or not to have the procedure done. Matt and I...there have been all of about 2 discussions (if that's what you really want to call them) regarding the procedure.

We have opposing opinions on it you see.

He wants to have one done pronto.

I want to wait....how long? No idea. But I don't think this is the decision that I want him to make.

And I say him, because he is basically saying it is up to him as an individual because there really is no middle ground on the issue. And I have to agree with him about that. Where is the compromise on "I want to try again" and "I don't ever want to try again."???? There isn't really. There is no way to meet in the middle. You either want another child or you don't.

Matt has very valid reasons for this. I won't deny him that. He is afraid of several things.
1. another miscarriage
2. another extremely premature birth
3. almost losing his wife and his unborn child yet again

I can't deny that those are very valid concerns.

I have very valis reasons for not wanting him to do it.
1. another pregnancy
2. another baby
3. a sibling for Caitlyn
4. a fucking pregnancy to not be yanked away from me mid stream or otherwise by the ever cruel Mother Nature.

Now the irony of it all is this...Matt's reasons for not wanting another child are the same as mine, while my reasons for wanting another child are the same as his reasons. The joke of it all is that there is no in between.

I was watching Caitlyn ride her bike last night. And it is amazing to me that only 5 years ago, I would have NEVER imagined her doing the things she does today or being the child that she is today. See those neonatologists are so very good at giving you the worst case scenario. Problem is they never give you the best case scenario to counteract that with. So you really believe the worst is going to be. So while I was watching it her it occurred to me...this may be what it is the plans for me. Maybe I am supposed to be Caitlyn's mom only.

Whenever the topic of another child arises within our family (mind you this is rare as no one every wants to upset me with this conversation) I always say to people "Why should I tempt fate again?" When in reality I am willing to look that bitch square in the face and tell her to bring it! But it's true, why should I tempt fate? I got so so so damned lucky with Cate. There is no denying that for all intents and purposes she is not the norm for a 25 weeker. (Possibly a tad earlier as doctors don't believe that she was quite 25 weeks yet.) We have managed to avoid any of the landmines that could have ended in "the worst case scenario." There are no guarantees that the 3 of us will be as lucky if we were to try again. Maybe that was the first sign that I was only supposed to be Cate's mom???

I wonder often what is the lesser of 2 evils...not being able to get pregnant at all or having your body crap out on you and not allow you to carry a baby???? I mean, obviously neither of the choices are really all that appealing. But seriously, what's worse? If I hadn't been able to get pregnant at all, I wouldn't know what I was so robbed and cheated of. But I have had the amazingness (so not a word) of carrying a pregnancy more than half way through a pregnancy. So what in the hell right do I have to gripe about when some women can't even get that? I've had the pleasure of announcing pregnancy 3 times to family and friends, despite only having one child to show for it. Some women aren't granted that one little pleasure in life. On the flipside, I've also had to tell family and friends that I've miscarried, oh and I have miscarried yet again. If I'd not been able to get pregnant, I wouldn't have had to do that. Fucking double edged sword.

If Caitlyn had not been our first child, and we had an uneventful pregnancy the first go round, I assure you there would be at least one more little Walsh on this planet for me to blog about. But she was our first, and I thank God for her every single day, don't get me wrong. But if that pregnancy hadn't gone so terribly awry, would Matt and I ever even needed to think twice about another pregnancy? I doubt it. But again, Mother Nature is a bad jokster when she really puts her mind to it.

There are positives to him having this done I suppose.
1. I can have sex whenever the hell I want to without having to think quick what the date is and how many days it has been since my last period before running and grabbing a condom.
2. The money saved on all those boxes of condoms will allow us a night out for some good grub once a month too :P
3. Caitlyn will benefit from being the only child (all those rumours about how maladjusted only children are are finally coming to be disproved)
4. I never have to go through all that baby business again...no more diapers, I will NEVER have to potty train another child, no more bottles, no more sleepless nights, no more teaching toddlers that they really MUST hold the railing on the stairs to avoid injuries just short of requiring hospitalization.

The positive list could go on and on and on. But, the negative list really is so short. However, those 4 little negatives I listed somewhere up there...well they far outweigh any of those positives.

Seems to me like a vicious fucking circle. No matter how much I try to convince myself of the positives, I keep hearing the words "no more children" in the back of my head. And to be perfectly honest, that hurts more than I could have ever imagined it would have.

I think my biggest beef with all of this is that it's not me making the decision based on my age or financial situation or any of that. The decision is basically being made for me because my body craps out when it comes to pregnancy. And I think if I can wrap my head around the fact that there is a huge possibility of it happening again then I will be ok with it.

This has got to be my longest entry ever...see what happens when I start waffling about personal shit. Just be thankful you aren't sitting next to me because you would certainly be in for the long haul of about 5 hours worth of my rambling. All to return to the same conclusion that today I don't want him to have it done, but tomorrow I will.

I will stop now, in case I am boring my 4 readers to tears. But rest assured I will be revisiting this topic....I can hear you all applauding about that shit.

This is a gem

This little goodie was given to me by Worry Woman yesterday....so glad that people think of me :)

The Antichrist

I have met her. There is no doubt in my mind. She was disguised as an advocate at an IEP meeting I attended on Wedsnesday. Had to be the nastiest, ugliest, meanest woman that I have ever encountered in my life.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against advocates in the IEP process. Matter of fact, I actually believe that any parent who has a child in special education should have one. And they shouldn't have to pay out of their own pockets for them. The special education maze can sometimes be enough to send me over the edge and I have had training and experience in it. I can't even begin to imagine what it does to the parent that has no prior experience with it and no prior knowledge of how things work with it.

That being said....this woman should NOT be allowed to be an advocate. It is one thing to come into a meeting to advocate (hence their titles) for what is best for the child at hand. It is completely another to do nothing but badmouth, bitch and moan, and complain about the staff working with this child. For the most part, the team is doing what they know to do for the kid. Yes there could be improvements, but there always could. And coming in ranting and raving like a lunatic as opposed to asking for x,y, and z will get you nowhere with this team.

At one point, she was actually questioning what qualifications and training the resource teacher had. Now correct me if I am wrong, but having been hired by the school district 2 years ago, she was already checked to make sure that she met the district's standards. The fact that she didn't meet the standards of this advocate is what was amazing to me.

At one point, she actually accused the resource teacher and reading specialist of falsifying the results on the most recent testing they had conducted on this child. They were convinced that there was no way he could have made as much progress as he did. Now correct me if I am wrong, but isn't that the whole fucking purpose of the supports that are in place for him??? To make these amazing gains??? And they accused the team of having their expectations set too low, yet they are the ones questioning how he was able to make that much progress. Doesn't sound to me like their expectations are all that high either.

One of the most ironic things that I saw during the meeting was that when I spoke to mom on the phone in the weeks prior after completing my own evaluation, she was pleasant and responsive to me. Yes she had some concerns and frustrations, but what parent doesn't? However, this advocate opened her mouth and all these atrocities and accusations started flying about, and all it took was that little fire under mom's ass and she became a crazed lunatic as well.

The saddest part of the meeting....the fact that over 2 hours into it, NOTHING was resolved. Nothing in this child's programming had changed (and I'm not so sure that it really needed to), none of their concerns were met with resolution. The only thing that came out of it, was that now the entire team is scrambling to make sure that this kid has anything and everything available to him. Most of which he doesn't even need. But of course, the district is so terrified of due process that they will do anything to avoid it, no matter the costs.

It's days like this that I really hate my job. Most of the time, I really enjoy what I do. For the most part, I have it pretty easy when it comes to my job. Then you run into the devil incarnate and she makes you doubt what you do! Damn woman...she is evil and needs to be destroyed!

Housekeeping

I have neglected to respond to any of my comments that I have gotten....even when they were posed as questions. So here goes.

Shawnee wanted to know where I got the Hello Kitty Bedding from. Target of course ;) And yes, it most certainly looks like the walls have been covered in Pepto Bismol. I take absolutely no offense to that at all.

The dog was not trying to hump Caitlyn. He was jumping up on her with his paws on her chest to lick her face. If he had tried to hump my child, I might have gone just a little ape shit over it. Shawnee, I told my mom want you said to do about me calling the house and just keep saying my name over and over again. And well she had a few choice words for you, and also added that would be willing to hunt you down and harm you if she had to listen to this dog barking all day long.
But on a scarier note...I was looking at my little traffic report the other day. And because of this very post, someone who searched "woman fucking her dog" actually came across my blog. And the fact that they hung out and read a few pages gives me the willies to be perfectly honest. So not that I posted about a woman fucking her dog, but because those 4 words, in that specific order, were in the post about the humping dog, they found me. And now, after this paragraph, I can only imagine the visits I will get since technically I am talking about a woman fucking her dog.

The scissors ... well I am really waiting for the day that she cuts her hair. I know it will be coming soon. Matter of fact, she has already tried to cut MY hair with the stupid things. So it really is only a matter of time now.

The Easter Bunny's travel route is nowhere to be found on the internet. I was able to find where Santa was over Christmas, but the Easter Bunny....well he's obviously nowhere near as popular as the fat guy in the red suit.

Yes, Shawnee, I do love me a Cadbury Egg, but only one a year and around Easter. I didn't get one this year :(

And thanks for giving me warm and fuzzies about my child not wanting to be at home anymore. I do know that it's only because of Kelly and the other kids on the block. Add that to the fact that my mother gives her any damn thing that she wants, and it's a pretty good place to be. Kari I would love to come and have a sleepover with you :) But I can't promise an all out hissy fit....but if there are margaritas involved, I am sure that there is a pretty good chance of it LOL.

The Pizza Guy has gotten some reprieve from my child's vulgarities. If you ask her to say it, she won't. If you ask her what she used to say to him, she won't. Now when she hears someone say the F word, she very quickly brings it to their attention that they have spoken a bad word....

Person: "Get the fuck out!"

Caitlyn: "Mommy, fuck is a bad word right?"

So although we are not there just yet, it is progress in my eyes.

She doesn't want to live here anymore

She hasn't come right out and said it. But the girl has been at my mom's house 5 out of the 7 last nights. What is wrong with that picture? I suppose I could say yeeeeehaw that Matt and I are getting as much alone time as we are, nto to mention the fact that I have watched some TV shows uninterrupted. But it's getting a little crazy now when I say we are going home and she cries and cries that she wants yet another sleepover.

I am thinking it has something to do with the fact that Kelly lives there now and they spend all day outside playing together in the beautiful weather that we are having. When you weigh that against coming to her own house where the closest person to her age is her parents, it doesn't seem so strange.

Where can I go and have a sleepover and cry when it comes to coming home?