Thursday, May 04, 2006

The time seems to have come

Matt is now actively pursuing a referral from our primary care physician to a urologist. That's right. He wants a vasectomy. Now most couples have lengthy discussions on whether or not to have the procedure done. Matt and I...there have been all of about 2 discussions (if that's what you really want to call them) regarding the procedure.

We have opposing opinions on it you see.

He wants to have one done pronto.

I want to long? No idea. But I don't think this is the decision that I want him to make.

And I say him, because he is basically saying it is up to him as an individual because there really is no middle ground on the issue. And I have to agree with him about that. Where is the compromise on "I want to try again" and "I don't ever want to try again."???? There isn't really. There is no way to meet in the middle. You either want another child or you don't.

Matt has very valid reasons for this. I won't deny him that. He is afraid of several things.
1. another miscarriage
2. another extremely premature birth
3. almost losing his wife and his unborn child yet again

I can't deny that those are very valid concerns.

I have very valis reasons for not wanting him to do it.
1. another pregnancy
2. another baby
3. a sibling for Caitlyn
4. a fucking pregnancy to not be yanked away from me mid stream or otherwise by the ever cruel Mother Nature.

Now the irony of it all is this...Matt's reasons for not wanting another child are the same as mine, while my reasons for wanting another child are the same as his reasons. The joke of it all is that there is no in between.

I was watching Caitlyn ride her bike last night. And it is amazing to me that only 5 years ago, I would have NEVER imagined her doing the things she does today or being the child that she is today. See those neonatologists are so very good at giving you the worst case scenario. Problem is they never give you the best case scenario to counteract that with. So you really believe the worst is going to be. So while I was watching it her it occurred to me...this may be what it is the plans for me. Maybe I am supposed to be Caitlyn's mom only.

Whenever the topic of another child arises within our family (mind you this is rare as no one every wants to upset me with this conversation) I always say to people "Why should I tempt fate again?" When in reality I am willing to look that bitch square in the face and tell her to bring it! But it's true, why should I tempt fate? I got so so so damned lucky with Cate. There is no denying that for all intents and purposes she is not the norm for a 25 weeker. (Possibly a tad earlier as doctors don't believe that she was quite 25 weeks yet.) We have managed to avoid any of the landmines that could have ended in "the worst case scenario." There are no guarantees that the 3 of us will be as lucky if we were to try again. Maybe that was the first sign that I was only supposed to be Cate's mom???

I wonder often what is the lesser of 2 evils...not being able to get pregnant at all or having your body crap out on you and not allow you to carry a baby???? I mean, obviously neither of the choices are really all that appealing. But seriously, what's worse? If I hadn't been able to get pregnant at all, I wouldn't know what I was so robbed and cheated of. But I have had the amazingness (so not a word) of carrying a pregnancy more than half way through a pregnancy. So what in the hell right do I have to gripe about when some women can't even get that? I've had the pleasure of announcing pregnancy 3 times to family and friends, despite only having one child to show for it. Some women aren't granted that one little pleasure in life. On the flipside, I've also had to tell family and friends that I've miscarried, oh and I have miscarried yet again. If I'd not been able to get pregnant, I wouldn't have had to do that. Fucking double edged sword.

If Caitlyn had not been our first child, and we had an uneventful pregnancy the first go round, I assure you there would be at least one more little Walsh on this planet for me to blog about. But she was our first, and I thank God for her every single day, don't get me wrong. But if that pregnancy hadn't gone so terribly awry, would Matt and I ever even needed to think twice about another pregnancy? I doubt it. But again, Mother Nature is a bad jokster when she really puts her mind to it.

There are positives to him having this done I suppose.
1. I can have sex whenever the hell I want to without having to think quick what the date is and how many days it has been since my last period before running and grabbing a condom.
2. The money saved on all those boxes of condoms will allow us a night out for some good grub once a month too :P
3. Caitlyn will benefit from being the only child (all those rumours about how maladjusted only children are are finally coming to be disproved)
4. I never have to go through all that baby business more diapers, I will NEVER have to potty train another child, no more bottles, no more sleepless nights, no more teaching toddlers that they really MUST hold the railing on the stairs to avoid injuries just short of requiring hospitalization.

The positive list could go on and on and on. But, the negative list really is so short. However, those 4 little negatives I listed somewhere up there...well they far outweigh any of those positives.

Seems to me like a vicious fucking circle. No matter how much I try to convince myself of the positives, I keep hearing the words "no more children" in the back of my head. And to be perfectly honest, that hurts more than I could have ever imagined it would have.

I think my biggest beef with all of this is that it's not me making the decision based on my age or financial situation or any of that. The decision is basically being made for me because my body craps out when it comes to pregnancy. And I think if I can wrap my head around the fact that there is a huge possibility of it happening again then I will be ok with it.

This has got to be my longest entry ever...see what happens when I start waffling about personal shit. Just be thankful you aren't sitting next to me because you would certainly be in for the long haul of about 5 hours worth of my rambling. All to return to the same conclusion that today I don't want him to have it done, but tomorrow I will.

I will stop now, in case I am boring my 4 readers to tears. But rest assured I will be revisiting this topic....I can hear you all applauding about that shit.


aworkman said...

I'm sorry Nancy, I know what you mean, though I am on this other side of the fence, hubby does not want to do the 'birth control' in 6 years he wants to try again... I was already told 20% of making it past 23 weeks and DO not try it. I hope no matter what happens in your decisions that you are at peace with what has been decided by you both. Any one with high risk pregnancy, serious complications can relate to this. Maybe he needs some time to grieve and think but I think its a bit still too soon to just decide to give up hope. Hugs!


Shell said...

Hugs Nance

TLC said...

I feel for you. I had two miscarriages and have 3 children. One has nonverbal learning disorder, but it is slight. One has high-functioning autism. And #3 was born 9 weeks early. Did I mention I turn 40 in July?

I would love to have another baby. But I am pretty sure we are done. Between the prematurity and the goofy genes, I think it's over. The death of a dream is hard.

So this touched me and I had to comment.

Oh and I was surfing with BE on the Rocket, that's how I found you.