Doggie Style

What I am about to post really isn't nearly as offensive as the title, however, it is so very fitting. The weather today was absolutely gorgeous. So I decided to get this child out of the house since she has been couped up for so long. We played on the porch blowing bubbles, drew with sidewalk chalk, played hopscotch, then as it started to get darker, I told her that we could go for a walk and she could take her scooter or her bike. She decided on the bike.

We get about a block away and she can't go any farther. This is in part due to her small stature, but also due to the fact that the poor girl doesn't have the muscle tone or endurance and strength to go any farther. That damn prematurity thing rears it's ugly head when you least expect it I tell ya!

So of course, I carry the bike back and she runs back to the house. Then we decide to just walk...both of us. We go about a mile and on the way back, we encounter a nice gentleman with a very small dog. Naturally, Caitlyn decides to stop and pet the dog. Well, the dog jumps up and puts it's paws on her chest wanting to lick her face to death. She giggles and runs to me and tells this man....

"He humped me like Rudy humps my Mommy!!"

And she is thoroughly excited about this. The man kind of looks at me, snickers, and says, "Have a nice night." And goes about his own walk.

Now I am mortified because this man probably went home and told his wife about some weirdo woman that allows her small child to watch while she engages in sick sexual play with someone named Rudy.

Little does he know, Rudy is in fact my mother's dog. And the fucking dog humps me everytime I set foot in her damn house. Which of course my mom and Caitlyn, and everyone else in the damn house for that matter, thinks is just the funniest thing that they have ever seen.

This dog has it something terrible for me. If my mother calls me on the phone, all she has to do is say my name and the dog goes apeshit barking like crazy running around the house looking for me. When I won't pay attention to him when I am there, meaning I am not letting the heavy bastard lay on my lap, he is walking around the house barking at me or looking to chew something up.

Well of course, when I called my mom, she thinks this is the funniest thing she has heard all day. Says my name, and the dog goes nutso in the background.

And my poor child now finds nothing wrong with a dog humping her mother???? (Side note, the dog on teh street did not hump my child, I would have stopped that shit immediately.)

Damn dog...why can't Matt be as attentive???