Caitlyn has never really inquired much about certain things in her baby pictures. To her, every baby has wires and tubes sticking out of every hole in their body. It has never been an issue with her really. Until now that is. Suddenly she is very eager to know all about her entrance into this world. She is so intrigued about her start in life. We are constantly looking at pictures now and she ask about every.little.thing.in.each.picture.
It is very difficult to explain away some of the things that have happened to her in her short little life. However, I try to explain them in terms that she can understand (note, the explanations I have below, are really just my summations :P)
It seems like every question that I answer leads to another question for her.
The first question that she had was why she had to have a tube in her throat when she was a baby. She wanted to know if it was hard for her to breathe with it in there. Quite the contrary my love :P So I explained it to her, she needed the tube to help her breathe. And she was satisfied with this....for a while.
Next question, why is there a tube in my nose too mommy? Well, you were a piss poor eater and we had to get food into you somehow since you sucked at drinking a bottle. Satisfied....for about a week.
Then..."Mommy, why do I have scars on my hands and my leg?" Well, there are several explanations for those you see my dear. The hand scars, those are from all the pricks (and I don't mean doctors) that you required. The blood transfusions, the blood draws, the medications that we injected, etc. Now the one on your leg, that's a whole different story. See your skin was paper thin and well a mindless nurse pulled tape off a little to harshly, hence, ripping your skin off.
This leads us up to yesterday in the car when she about broke my heart. On the way to my mom's, "Mommy, why did they have to cut your belly to take me out?" Because mommy was basically dying, ogran after organ shutting down. And basically, it was because of the squirmy little fetus inside of me. She then says, "But it was too early for me to come out of your belly. Why didn't they leave me in longer?" Yes it was early. No they couldn't leave you in there any longer. Crying a little now, she says, "But I wanted to stay in there. Didn't you want me to?" Oh my love, more than you could ever imagine!!
So yesterday evening, she was sitting on the toilet peeing. And I hear her pleading with someone about something. I go to the door. And she is crying, and I mean crying. Saying to hersself,
"Why? I don't want them to cut my belly to take my baby! Please Mommy don't let them cut my belly open!" I am not sure who she was talking to, or why she was even having this conversation with the unknown person. But I do know that this subject is weighing so heavily on my little girl's mind and I can't fucking stand it!