So I had the second meeting today that I thought was sure to be a complete nightmare because of The Antichrist, aka the Advocate. So all damn day I willed my child to fall on the playground at school and break an arm so I wouldn't have to go to this damn meeting. No such luck obviously, as this post is not called "Caitlyn Broke her Arm." So I go to the meeting, reluctantly, with the Assistive Tech Coordinator in tow. Because I was NOT going to be slandered by this woman. The whole point of this meeting was that it was called because the mom did not feel as though her son's AT needs were being met. And I figured if the Antichrist got word of that, then she was sure to be all over my ass. So I figured I would bring some back up.
Meeting starts, mom, dad, special ed coordinator, teacher, resource teacher, AT coordinator, and myself sit down. NO ADVOCATE! Turns out, the parents can't afford her anymore as they are paying for their son to get outside tutoring of sorts. Thank God in heaven!!!! And to be perfectly honest, the family is better off without her.
And needless to say, I feel like a jerk for willing my girl to break her arm....even though it didn't pan out that way :P
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The First 90+ Degree Weekend of the Year
And a good time was had by all....especially Caitlyn. She couldn't get over to Grandma Linda's house fast enough on Saturday morning to spend the entire day in the pool. And she has the pink shoulders (sdespite loads of sunscreen) to prove it.
Sunday was spent all day in Grandma Rita's pool with dad. Mom got to stay home and enjoy the lonliness of the house. That was until Bobby, Donna, and Magee came over. Turns out their air conditioning was broken and they didn't want to spend the day sweltering in their place. Gee can't understand that?
And today, we all went back to Grandma Linda's to enjoy the pool once again. That was until the rain came in. But it made for a good excuse to get the kid out of there and home for a much needed bath. You would think that will all the pool time I have the cleanest kid around. But it is amazing how gross hair can become from chlorine and sunscreen.
Tomorrow will be the day of hell at work for me. It's like the last big day before the end of the school year hits. I have another IEP meeting with the Antichrist. Can't wait for that shit. After that, it's back to my office to complete the packing for the move that will be taking place on Wednesday. Once that is over, it should be smooth sailing to the 16th. And of course that date depends on my transition there. If not, then it is smooth sailing to the 30th. Either way, I am considering the year completed as of Wednesday.....no questions asked.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Oy!! The Questions!!!
Caitlyn has never really inquired much about certain things in her baby pictures. To her, every baby has wires and tubes sticking out of every hole in their body. It has never been an issue with her really. Until now that is. Suddenly she is very eager to know all about her entrance into this world. She is so intrigued about her start in life. We are constantly looking at pictures now and she ask about every.little.thing.in.each.picture.
It is very difficult to explain away some of the things that have happened to her in her short little life. However, I try to explain them in terms that she can understand (note, the explanations I have below, are really just my summations :P)
It seems like every question that I answer leads to another question for her.
The first question that she had was why she had to have a tube in her throat when she was a baby. She wanted to know if it was hard for her to breathe with it in there. Quite the contrary my love :P So I explained it to her, she needed the tube to help her breathe. And she was satisfied with this....for a while.
Next question, why is there a tube in my nose too mommy? Well, you were a piss poor eater and we had to get food into you somehow since you sucked at drinking a bottle. Satisfied....for about a week.
Then..."Mommy, why do I have scars on my hands and my leg?" Well, there are several explanations for those you see my dear. The hand scars, those are from all the pricks (and I don't mean doctors) that you required. The blood transfusions, the blood draws, the medications that we injected, etc. Now the one on your leg, that's a whole different story. See your skin was paper thin and well a mindless nurse pulled tape off a little to harshly, hence, ripping your skin off.
This leads us up to yesterday in the car when she about broke my heart. On the way to my mom's, "Mommy, why did they have to cut your belly to take me out?" Because mommy was basically dying, ogran after organ shutting down. And basically, it was because of the squirmy little fetus inside of me. She then says, "But it was too early for me to come out of your belly. Why didn't they leave me in longer?" Yes it was early. No they couldn't leave you in there any longer. Crying a little now, she says, "But I wanted to stay in there. Didn't you want me to?" Oh my love, more than you could ever imagine!!
So yesterday evening, she was sitting on the toilet peeing. And I hear her pleading with someone about something. I go to the door. And she is crying, and I mean crying. Saying to hersself,
"Why? I don't want them to cut my belly to take my baby! Please Mommy don't let them cut my belly open!" I am not sure who she was talking to, or why she was even having this conversation with the unknown person. But I do know that this subject is weighing so heavily on my little girl's mind and I can't fucking stand it!
It is very difficult to explain away some of the things that have happened to her in her short little life. However, I try to explain them in terms that she can understand (note, the explanations I have below, are really just my summations :P)
It seems like every question that I answer leads to another question for her.
The first question that she had was why she had to have a tube in her throat when she was a baby. She wanted to know if it was hard for her to breathe with it in there. Quite the contrary my love :P So I explained it to her, she needed the tube to help her breathe. And she was satisfied with this....for a while.
Next question, why is there a tube in my nose too mommy? Well, you were a piss poor eater and we had to get food into you somehow since you sucked at drinking a bottle. Satisfied....for about a week.
Then..."Mommy, why do I have scars on my hands and my leg?" Well, there are several explanations for those you see my dear. The hand scars, those are from all the pricks (and I don't mean doctors) that you required. The blood transfusions, the blood draws, the medications that we injected, etc. Now the one on your leg, that's a whole different story. See your skin was paper thin and well a mindless nurse pulled tape off a little to harshly, hence, ripping your skin off.
This leads us up to yesterday in the car when she about broke my heart. On the way to my mom's, "Mommy, why did they have to cut your belly to take me out?" Because mommy was basically dying, ogran after organ shutting down. And basically, it was because of the squirmy little fetus inside of me. She then says, "But it was too early for me to come out of your belly. Why didn't they leave me in longer?" Yes it was early. No they couldn't leave you in there any longer. Crying a little now, she says, "But I wanted to stay in there. Didn't you want me to?" Oh my love, more than you could ever imagine!!
So yesterday evening, she was sitting on the toilet peeing. And I hear her pleading with someone about something. I go to the door. And she is crying, and I mean crying. Saying to hersself,
"Why? I don't want them to cut my belly to take my baby! Please Mommy don't let them cut my belly open!" I am not sure who she was talking to, or why she was even having this conversation with the unknown person. But I do know that this subject is weighing so heavily on my little girl's mind and I can't fucking stand it!
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Organized Sports and other things
I signed the girl up today for Pre K soccer. Not that I am a fan of soccer (I actually know pretty much nothing of the sport other than the intent is to kick the ball into the net). She is completely thrilled. And also hesitant and nervous about playing. She is terrinfied about what will happen if she doesn't make a goal. So that is something that I know we are going to have to work through. Practice starts in July and her first game is in mid August. Man oh man is she going to look adorable in that soccer unifrom though....which is my primary concern.
I went to visit some people at a couple of schools I used to work with today. Things seem to be worse than ever in that district which sucks for those employees. But hopefully it will get better for them. On this visit I realized one thing....I am OLD!!!! I say this because the receptionist that works in one of the buildings I met my second year going to this particular school. At the time, her daughter was in 8th grade, possibly 7th, but I am thinking 8th. When I saw her today I asked how her daughter was doing. Lo and behold, she has graduated college, and gotten married. Yeah...I thought maybe she was still in high school. Futile attempt at maintaining my own youth I suppose.
I have discussed a possible pay cut with Matt if I change positions. He is adamant that it can not be a significant one (well duh!). So now I anxiously await Monday to see what happens there.
I went to visit some people at a couple of schools I used to work with today. Things seem to be worse than ever in that district which sucks for those employees. But hopefully it will get better for them. On this visit I realized one thing....I am OLD!!!! I say this because the receptionist that works in one of the buildings I met my second year going to this particular school. At the time, her daughter was in 8th grade, possibly 7th, but I am thinking 8th. When I saw her today I asked how her daughter was doing. Lo and behold, she has graduated college, and gotten married. Yeah...I thought maybe she was still in high school. Futile attempt at maintaining my own youth I suppose.
I have discussed a possible pay cut with Matt if I change positions. He is adamant that it can not be a significant one (well duh!). So now I anxiously await Monday to see what happens there.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Symmetry
Caitlyn is talking about symmetry these days. Seems they went over it in school about 2 weeks ago and she is still processing it I guess.
Cate: Mom, did you know our bodies are symmetrical?
Mom: What???
Cate: Our bodies are symmetrical. It means they are the same on both sides if you fold it in half.
Mom: (in complete shock of course) Wow! You are one smart little lady my love :)
In other news....
I am looking into reworking my contract at work. See, I think I am one of the few teachers on the planet that doesn't have the summers off. And I am not including teachers that opt to teach summer school or work summer camps at school or anything like that.
When I took this new position almost 2 years ago, I agreed to an 11 month contract. Cause at the time it really didn't seem so bad. (Don't ask me what the hell I was thinking, I'm not sure.) It still allowed me about 6 weeks off in the summer and time to take off around Christmas and Spring Break. But the downside is that I always have to make sure that I have enough days and worry about that. So there has been a big transition at my job and there are some openings. These openings would allow for me to move into the 10 month position and have the summers and other breaks off without having to worry about saving my vacation time and what not.
Seems like it is a no brainer conclusion right? Wrong. I would have to take a pay cut. Now, I haven't met with my boss to figure out exactly why I would have to take a pay cut when I am doing the same job. I think I am most confused by it because I am a salaried employee as opposed to an hourly employee. So I am not sure how all of that works into less pay for me.
Bottom line I guess is that I have to see how much of a pay cut that it is and go from there. Besides the issue of the pay cut, there are so many other things to take into consideration. Things like the teacher's retirement fund, putting myself back down on the totem pole and allowing myself to be riffed for the next 5 years, etc.
When I began thinking about this and talked to my boss about it a few months ago, the decision really did seem much easier to make! I am meeting with my boss next week to have everything laid out in front of me before I make my decision....let's just hope the pay cut isn't so drastic that I can't afford to make the move.
Cate: Mom, did you know our bodies are symmetrical?
Mom: What???
Cate: Our bodies are symmetrical. It means they are the same on both sides if you fold it in half.
Mom: (in complete shock of course) Wow! You are one smart little lady my love :)
In other news....
I am looking into reworking my contract at work. See, I think I am one of the few teachers on the planet that doesn't have the summers off. And I am not including teachers that opt to teach summer school or work summer camps at school or anything like that.
When I took this new position almost 2 years ago, I agreed to an 11 month contract. Cause at the time it really didn't seem so bad. (Don't ask me what the hell I was thinking, I'm not sure.) It still allowed me about 6 weeks off in the summer and time to take off around Christmas and Spring Break. But the downside is that I always have to make sure that I have enough days and worry about that. So there has been a big transition at my job and there are some openings. These openings would allow for me to move into the 10 month position and have the summers and other breaks off without having to worry about saving my vacation time and what not.
Seems like it is a no brainer conclusion right? Wrong. I would have to take a pay cut. Now, I haven't met with my boss to figure out exactly why I would have to take a pay cut when I am doing the same job. I think I am most confused by it because I am a salaried employee as opposed to an hourly employee. So I am not sure how all of that works into less pay for me.
Bottom line I guess is that I have to see how much of a pay cut that it is and go from there. Besides the issue of the pay cut, there are so many other things to take into consideration. Things like the teacher's retirement fund, putting myself back down on the totem pole and allowing myself to be riffed for the next 5 years, etc.
When I began thinking about this and talked to my boss about it a few months ago, the decision really did seem much easier to make! I am meeting with my boss next week to have everything laid out in front of me before I make my decision....let's just hope the pay cut isn't so drastic that I can't afford to make the move.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
My Servant
When I was little, I can remember my mother saying to me that I was her slave. That she had children so that she would in fact have slaves. Now, I know she didn't mean this to be true (well mostly). And I have heard other moms refer to their kids as slaves. I think I may have even done it. Turns out, Caitlyn does think she's my slave.
Mom: Cate will you hand mommy her pop from the table?
C: Why can't you get it yourself?
M: Cause I asked you nicely to get it for me and I get things for you when you ask me to.
C: (bringing the can over to me reluctantly) You treat me like a servant!
And of course, the word servant as you and I say it, is not the way the girl says it. If you have ever heard her talk, you would swear that she is from the Bronx. So as the word servant came out of her mouth, I started to laugh hysterically. To which she screamed at me...
"Well you do and I don't like it!"
So now I am just waiting for the opportunity to throw that right back at her the minute she asks me for something ;) (man I need to start being nicer to this kid)
Mom: Cate will you hand mommy her pop from the table?
C: Why can't you get it yourself?
M: Cause I asked you nicely to get it for me and I get things for you when you ask me to.
C: (bringing the can over to me reluctantly) You treat me like a servant!
And of course, the word servant as you and I say it, is not the way the girl says it. If you have ever heard her talk, you would swear that she is from the Bronx. So as the word servant came out of her mouth, I started to laugh hysterically. To which she screamed at me...
"Well you do and I don't like it!"
So now I am just waiting for the opportunity to throw that right back at her the minute she asks me for something ;) (man I need to start being nicer to this kid)
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The time seems to have come
Matt is now actively pursuing a referral from our primary care physician to a urologist. That's right. He wants a vasectomy. Now most couples have lengthy discussions on whether or not to have the procedure done. Matt and I...there have been all of about 2 discussions (if that's what you really want to call them) regarding the procedure.
We have opposing opinions on it you see.
He wants to have one done pronto.
I want to wait....how long? No idea. But I don't think this is the decision that I want him to make.
And I say him, because he is basically saying it is up to him as an individual because there really is no middle ground on the issue. And I have to agree with him about that. Where is the compromise on "I want to try again" and "I don't ever want to try again."???? There isn't really. There is no way to meet in the middle. You either want another child or you don't.
Matt has very valid reasons for this. I won't deny him that. He is afraid of several things.
1. another miscarriage
2. another extremely premature birth
3. almost losing his wife and his unborn child yet again
I can't deny that those are very valid concerns.
I have very valis reasons for not wanting him to do it.
1. another pregnancy
2. another baby
3. a sibling for Caitlyn
4. a fucking pregnancy to not be yanked away from me mid stream or otherwise by the ever cruel Mother Nature.
Now the irony of it all is this...Matt's reasons for not wanting another child are the same as mine, while my reasons for wanting another child are the same as his reasons. The joke of it all is that there is no in between.
I was watching Caitlyn ride her bike last night. And it is amazing to me that only 5 years ago, I would have NEVER imagined her doing the things she does today or being the child that she is today. See those neonatologists are so very good at giving you the worst case scenario. Problem is they never give you the best case scenario to counteract that with. So you really believe the worst is going to be. So while I was watching it her it occurred to me...this may be what it is the plans for me. Maybe I am supposed to be Caitlyn's mom only.
Whenever the topic of another child arises within our family (mind you this is rare as no one every wants to upset me with this conversation) I always say to people "Why should I tempt fate again?" When in reality I am willing to look that bitch square in the face and tell her to bring it! But it's true, why should I tempt fate? I got so so so damned lucky with Cate. There is no denying that for all intents and purposes she is not the norm for a 25 weeker. (Possibly a tad earlier as doctors don't believe that she was quite 25 weeks yet.) We have managed to avoid any of the landmines that could have ended in "the worst case scenario." There are no guarantees that the 3 of us will be as lucky if we were to try again. Maybe that was the first sign that I was only supposed to be Cate's mom???
I wonder often what is the lesser of 2 evils...not being able to get pregnant at all or having your body crap out on you and not allow you to carry a baby???? I mean, obviously neither of the choices are really all that appealing. But seriously, what's worse? If I hadn't been able to get pregnant at all, I wouldn't know what I was so robbed and cheated of. But I have had the amazingness (so not a word) of carrying a pregnancy more than half way through a pregnancy. So what in the hell right do I have to gripe about when some women can't even get that? I've had the pleasure of announcing pregnancy 3 times to family and friends, despite only having one child to show for it. Some women aren't granted that one little pleasure in life. On the flipside, I've also had to tell family and friends that I've miscarried, oh and I have miscarried yet again. If I'd not been able to get pregnant, I wouldn't have had to do that. Fucking double edged sword.
If Caitlyn had not been our first child, and we had an uneventful pregnancy the first go round, I assure you there would be at least one more little Walsh on this planet for me to blog about. But she was our first, and I thank God for her every single day, don't get me wrong. But if that pregnancy hadn't gone so terribly awry, would Matt and I ever even needed to think twice about another pregnancy? I doubt it. But again, Mother Nature is a bad jokster when she really puts her mind to it.
There are positives to him having this done I suppose.
1. I can have sex whenever the hell I want to without having to think quick what the date is and how many days it has been since my last period before running and grabbing a condom.
2. The money saved on all those boxes of condoms will allow us a night out for some good grub once a month too :P
3. Caitlyn will benefit from being the only child (all those rumours about how maladjusted only children are are finally coming to be disproved)
4. I never have to go through all that baby business again...no more diapers, I will NEVER have to potty train another child, no more bottles, no more sleepless nights, no more teaching toddlers that they really MUST hold the railing on the stairs to avoid injuries just short of requiring hospitalization.
The positive list could go on and on and on. But, the negative list really is so short. However, those 4 little negatives I listed somewhere up there...well they far outweigh any of those positives.
Seems to me like a vicious fucking circle. No matter how much I try to convince myself of the positives, I keep hearing the words "no more children" in the back of my head. And to be perfectly honest, that hurts more than I could have ever imagined it would have.
I think my biggest beef with all of this is that it's not me making the decision based on my age or financial situation or any of that. The decision is basically being made for me because my body craps out when it comes to pregnancy. And I think if I can wrap my head around the fact that there is a huge possibility of it happening again then I will be ok with it.
This has got to be my longest entry ever...see what happens when I start waffling about personal shit. Just be thankful you aren't sitting next to me because you would certainly be in for the long haul of about 5 hours worth of my rambling. All to return to the same conclusion that today I don't want him to have it done, but tomorrow I will.
I will stop now, in case I am boring my 4 readers to tears. But rest assured I will be revisiting this topic....I can hear you all applauding about that shit.
We have opposing opinions on it you see.
He wants to have one done pronto.
I want to wait....how long? No idea. But I don't think this is the decision that I want him to make.
And I say him, because he is basically saying it is up to him as an individual because there really is no middle ground on the issue. And I have to agree with him about that. Where is the compromise on "I want to try again" and "I don't ever want to try again."???? There isn't really. There is no way to meet in the middle. You either want another child or you don't.
Matt has very valid reasons for this. I won't deny him that. He is afraid of several things.
1. another miscarriage
2. another extremely premature birth
3. almost losing his wife and his unborn child yet again
I can't deny that those are very valid concerns.
I have very valis reasons for not wanting him to do it.
1. another pregnancy
2. another baby
3. a sibling for Caitlyn
4. a fucking pregnancy to not be yanked away from me mid stream or otherwise by the ever cruel Mother Nature.
Now the irony of it all is this...Matt's reasons for not wanting another child are the same as mine, while my reasons for wanting another child are the same as his reasons. The joke of it all is that there is no in between.
I was watching Caitlyn ride her bike last night. And it is amazing to me that only 5 years ago, I would have NEVER imagined her doing the things she does today or being the child that she is today. See those neonatologists are so very good at giving you the worst case scenario. Problem is they never give you the best case scenario to counteract that with. So you really believe the worst is going to be. So while I was watching it her it occurred to me...this may be what it is the plans for me. Maybe I am supposed to be Caitlyn's mom only.
Whenever the topic of another child arises within our family (mind you this is rare as no one every wants to upset me with this conversation) I always say to people "Why should I tempt fate again?" When in reality I am willing to look that bitch square in the face and tell her to bring it! But it's true, why should I tempt fate? I got so so so damned lucky with Cate. There is no denying that for all intents and purposes she is not the norm for a 25 weeker. (Possibly a tad earlier as doctors don't believe that she was quite 25 weeks yet.) We have managed to avoid any of the landmines that could have ended in "the worst case scenario." There are no guarantees that the 3 of us will be as lucky if we were to try again. Maybe that was the first sign that I was only supposed to be Cate's mom???
I wonder often what is the lesser of 2 evils...not being able to get pregnant at all or having your body crap out on you and not allow you to carry a baby???? I mean, obviously neither of the choices are really all that appealing. But seriously, what's worse? If I hadn't been able to get pregnant at all, I wouldn't know what I was so robbed and cheated of. But I have had the amazingness (so not a word) of carrying a pregnancy more than half way through a pregnancy. So what in the hell right do I have to gripe about when some women can't even get that? I've had the pleasure of announcing pregnancy 3 times to family and friends, despite only having one child to show for it. Some women aren't granted that one little pleasure in life. On the flipside, I've also had to tell family and friends that I've miscarried, oh and I have miscarried yet again. If I'd not been able to get pregnant, I wouldn't have had to do that. Fucking double edged sword.
If Caitlyn had not been our first child, and we had an uneventful pregnancy the first go round, I assure you there would be at least one more little Walsh on this planet for me to blog about. But she was our first, and I thank God for her every single day, don't get me wrong. But if that pregnancy hadn't gone so terribly awry, would Matt and I ever even needed to think twice about another pregnancy? I doubt it. But again, Mother Nature is a bad jokster when she really puts her mind to it.
There are positives to him having this done I suppose.
1. I can have sex whenever the hell I want to without having to think quick what the date is and how many days it has been since my last period before running and grabbing a condom.
2. The money saved on all those boxes of condoms will allow us a night out for some good grub once a month too :P
3. Caitlyn will benefit from being the only child (all those rumours about how maladjusted only children are are finally coming to be disproved)
4. I never have to go through all that baby business again...no more diapers, I will NEVER have to potty train another child, no more bottles, no more sleepless nights, no more teaching toddlers that they really MUST hold the railing on the stairs to avoid injuries just short of requiring hospitalization.
The positive list could go on and on and on. But, the negative list really is so short. However, those 4 little negatives I listed somewhere up there...well they far outweigh any of those positives.
Seems to me like a vicious fucking circle. No matter how much I try to convince myself of the positives, I keep hearing the words "no more children" in the back of my head. And to be perfectly honest, that hurts more than I could have ever imagined it would have.
I think my biggest beef with all of this is that it's not me making the decision based on my age or financial situation or any of that. The decision is basically being made for me because my body craps out when it comes to pregnancy. And I think if I can wrap my head around the fact that there is a huge possibility of it happening again then I will be ok with it.
This has got to be my longest entry ever...see what happens when I start waffling about personal shit. Just be thankful you aren't sitting next to me because you would certainly be in for the long haul of about 5 hours worth of my rambling. All to return to the same conclusion that today I don't want him to have it done, but tomorrow I will.
I will stop now, in case I am boring my 4 readers to tears. But rest assured I will be revisiting this topic....I can hear you all applauding about that shit.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
This is a gem
This little goodie was given to me by Worry Woman yesterday....so glad that people think of me :)
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