I will never forget....

With Caitlyn's birthday quickly approaching, it seems I always do some reflecting around this time. With the help of Beth, I have created a little (yeah right) list of things that I will never forget about her birth (nor do I want to forget them). In the next few days I will also do one about her NICU stay. But here is a list of things I will never forget about the day my sweet girlie was born!

The pain in my rib cage that was so horrific that I thought I was dying.

Realizing that something wasn't right and this wasn't just "normal pregnancy stuff."

Realizing that you really hadn't been moving a lot in the last few days despite the fact that prior to this you never stopped moving.

Telling Matt that something was really wrong and I think we needed to go to the hospital.

Thinking that I was over reacting and at least we would be able to get dinner at Hooter's on our way home.

Having at least 10 nurses ask me how far apart the contractions were.

Telling everyone medical professional I encountered that I was CERTAINLY not in labor....I just had some gas issues.

Actually telling Matt in the waiting room that the pain has subsided again and maybe we should just go home.

Having the doctor suspect that my gallbladder would need to come out.

Being completely devastated at the thought of having surgery at 25 weeks of pregnancy. (if I had only known how much better of an alternative this was, I might have actually been praying for that to happen)

An hour after them telling me it was probably my gallbladder, having a doctor come in and tell me that I had some condition that happens only in pregnancy and that I would be delivering my child within 48 hours as that was the only cure for this disease.

Getting no other real explanation for the next 30 minutes, just sitting there with Matt not knowing what in the hell just happened. For God's sake I really only had gas right?????

Telling Matt that he needs to prepare himself for this child to die. Exact words: "I am only 25 weeks pregnant Matt. Babies born that early don't live, so you need to prepare yourself." What I was really doing was saying it out loud so that I could convince myself.

The look on Matt's mother's face when she showed up at the hospital.

My brother crying next to me. Him giving me his necklace with his crucifix and football number to wear so that I would know he was with me and giving me strength.

Having the perinatologist and the neonatologist give me the grim details of having a baby born at 25 weeks.

Those same people asking me if I had any questions and responding no. How in the world was I supposed to come up with questions about any of this when it all seemed so surreal??

Being on magnesium sulfate.

Not knowing where the next 12 hours were going due to all the medications I was on.

The nurse wrapping the arms of the bed in sheets. "It's in case you have a seizure dear, we don't want you to hit your head."

Immediately following her exit of my room my saying to Matt, "Exactly how fucking sick am I?" (Of course we still hadn't gotten a full explanation of what my condition was. Other than it's name and the fact that I had to deliver and a few other details abotu the condition.)

How dark the room had to be to prevent stimulation.

Having the doctors tell Matt that we could make the decision to save me or the baby.

Telling Matt that if the decision came down to him, he was to choose me.

Trying to keep that stupid oxygen mask on my face and how sweaty my face was from it.

Blood draws every 2 hours.

Blood pressure readings every 20 minutes. Eventually moved to every 15 minutes, and by the end, every 10 minutes.

That damn blood pressure machine constantly beeping to alert the nurses station that my blood pressure was soaring higher than the settings they had previously put it at. And how long it seemed to take them to come in and reset the damn machine.

A nurse trying to get more blood out of my collapsed and dried up veins and telling me that she may have to get it from my foot.

The doctor who was convinced you weighed about 2 pounds (could she have been more wrong :P)

Dr. Pepper. I thought I was on too many drugs but that really was her name. Matt can verify it.

Knowing that I would be completely knocked out for your birth and not even be able to see you until I was stable.

Knowing that Matt wouldn't be allowed to be in the operating room when you were born.

Knowing that you would be surrounded by complete strangers and not even be able to hear a familiar voice when you were born.

The final blood draw that indicated you had to be delivered now. Looking at the clock and noting that it was 5:40 in the morning, only about 12 hours after we had originally been checked in. So much for their 48 hours theory.

The craziness in the room as they were prepping me for surgery.

Having a catheter put in.

Matt asking me who he should call to come to the hospital (really...we thought we had 48 hours LOL)

Knowing that my mom was on her way after work even though I specifically told her not to come and I would call her tomorrow.

Telling one of the nurses I need to kiss my husband and her telling me there was no time. Then hearing another nurse sternly tell her "Stop the bed so she can kiss her husband. She is very sick."

My arms being strapped down to the table in the OR. And of course immediately getting an itch on my nose.

How bright everything was in the OR.

How badly I was shaking and crying yet trying to be so very strong. I tried so hard not to cry and shake, it seemed that only made it worse.

The doctor who stood next to me and held my hand and said that she would be holding it throughout the surgery.

Someone telling me to count down from 10.

Sucking in the anesthesia so hard because all I wanted to do was go to sleep and pretend none of this was really happening.

NOT falling asleep as quickly as I should have and hearing the anesthesiologist tell the nurse that she must push down on my airway to keep it open, then him saying it a second and a third time. The whole time praying that the dope would kick in and I would just pass out.

Feeling as though I couldn't breathe and having no way to tell any of them.

Hearing the surgeon say "I can't wait anymore. I have to cut now." (not sure if the anesthesia finally kicked in or if that comment made me pass out :P)