Each year, Caitlyn's birthday manages to bring on a slew of emotions. Granted, those emotions have changed with each passing year. For example, the night before her first birthday I wrote her a letter. And cried the entire time that I was writing it. I mourned the pregnancy that I was robbed of, the birth plan I had begun to create never came to fruition, and relived the entire horrific experience of those hours leading up to her birth. A few years later, I was angry before her birthday. Angry that she was unable to hear a familiar voice upon being born, that she had to deal with more medical procedures in 3 1/2 months than most people deal with in a lifetime, that she had to work harder to meet milestones later than other kids her age. Shortly after that, the approach of her birthdays brought many questions from her. Wanting to know all about the day she was born and what it was like to be pregnant with her and what the weather was like the day we brought her home from the hospital.
Even though each birthday had many negative emotions tied to it, each birthday brought me immense joy in the fact that she was even HERE at all. And despite the anger, frustration, and sadness, I am more thrilled with each passing year that she is MINE and I get to be the first voice she hears when she wakes up in the morning because she didn't hear it on the day she was born.
But this year is different. Yes, there are still emotions. Yes, there is still the tradition of me reading through some of her old birthday posts here on the blog (Caitlyn's Birth Story, I Will Never Forget). Yes, there is still the tradition of me looking at the clock each hour and thinking about exactly what was happening to me at that given moment the night before she was born. But the difference is, I don't have the frustration or anger or sadness anymore. Instead, I am so grateful that I have been given the opportunity to spend the last 10 years, a decade, with this amazing child! That some greater force has allowed me to watch this little girl grow from a small helpless baby to an independent child. That I was the person chosen to witness her firsts in most things, hear her laugh everyday, ease her fears, and love her more than anyone else on the planet!! While it still bothers me that I don't have many memories of the day she was born, I have replaced that void with 10 years of incredible memories. Memories that without that fateful day, I wouldn't otherwise have. And there is nothing that can compare to that.
Happy 10th Birthday Caitlyn (aka Mojo). I love you bigger than the sky!!