Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tomorrow is the big day

Matt is going in for surgery at 6:30 tomorrow morning.

I am so torn with this decision. I guess I just hate the finality of it. While I know that it is in the best interest of my little family to have this done, it's just such a hard thing to let go of completely. I would probably be more comfortable with the decision if we had 2 or 3 children and those pregnancies were all well and good. But when you have a life threatening condition that forces you to give birth to a 25 weeker, and then go on to have 2 more miscarriages, I think it's safe to assume that the odds are just stacked up against us.

What I keep telling myself is that I can't tempt fate. We are so incredibly lucky with Caitlyn's developmental outcome that I often fear if we were to have another preemie, our luck wouldn't be the same. One of the biggest reasons that I believe this is the right decision for us though is because of Caitlyn. If we were to have another pregnancy and I became as ill as I was with Caitlyn, I don't want to even imagine the pain and suffering that would cause my baby girl. And if for some reason I were to die because of that pregnancy, I don't know what it would do to her. Her whole life would be turned upside down and inside out. Because of that, I know this is absolutely the right thing to do for our family.

Caitlyn has no idea what I am taking Matt to the hospital for. I have told her that it is because he has to have some blood work done. And because of that, he can't eat or take his insulin. So to make sure that he doesn't go low on the way there, I am driving him. While she is accepting this explanation, I don't know how much she is buying it. She has always been quite the intuitive little girl, and when I give her these reasons, she looks at me almost as if she is thinking, "I'll pretend like I believe you, but I know there is something much bigger going on here."

In recent months, Cate has started saying that she doesn't want a brother or sister. That she is perfectly content being an only child. I think the fact that she has begun to formulate relationships outside of school and she spends time on the phone with her friends and she goes to their houses, etc, she has learned that she doesn't need a sibling in order to have a playmate. Which is what I think her logic has been in the past. Not to mention the fact that this kid can clearly see how much more spoiled she is by being the only child and the only grandchild on my side of he family ;) She is a quick study that kid! So I don't worry about her not having siblings. She has plenty of cousins and extended family through close family friends that I think they can fill that void for her; as much as it can be filled.

So wish us luck. Actually, just Matt since he is the one who will be having the procedure done. I just need the luck to deal with him for the next few days. He needs much of the luck because he is still going on about this Brazilian thing and is none too pleased about it.


a very tired mommy said...

Good luck to you guys. It's tough to close that door sometimes, especially when the decision is kind of made for you. I know that all too well, even though I got more kidlets out of it.

And if Aaron can survive it, anyone can. ;)

MeghatronsMom said...

GL to Matt & you! I totally understand the feelings you are having. I finally sold all the baby stuff a few weeks ago realizing that we are too are only going to have one since the odds are stacked against us.

I will be thinking of you!

Aidan's mom said...

Good luck! We are currently sort of wrestling with having my DH do this too. I have an IUD in right now. But we have also decided that my clotting disorder and near death experience from HELLP syndrome are ruling it out. We are also feeling very lucky with Aidan's outcome thus far and are nervous to possibly tread into preemie waters again.

Still, I understand the finality of it is a bit depressing. Will be sending good wishes your way!